Who is First?
Updated: Nov 5, 2020
She’s gone! Where is she? Claire! Claire! My stomach clenches, turns, nausea overwhelms. Her bed clothes are turned back but she isn’t in the room. I search. Opening doors, under desks - hoping this is a game of Hide-n-Seek. I feel overwhelmed with worry and desperation. A lost child. Where is she!? Claire!
I hear pounding on the front door of the B&B we manage.... I peek out and see guests arriving; four hours early! I am in my nightclothes and robe. I call down that I am on my way and race to dress, tame my hair, and brush my teeth...
Hours later, as I awoke, the details fuzzily returned to my conscience. I laid there recalling some of the angst. God, what was that all about???
“Look it up.”
Claire: Illustrious, Enlightened, Bright one
Lost: Distracted (disoriented)
Pajamas: Unprepared, Spiritually unaware
I didn’t need to look up any more. I stopped. I repented (yes... I do it a lot). My week had been full: homeschool start, birthday party, late night counseling sessions, chatting with friends, catching up on news, bills and email...late nights had eclipsed or obliterated my early morning meetings with Jesus. I had missed our appointment 3 out of 7 days.
The searching, the seeking wasn’t me trying to find a lost child, it was God pursuing me - his bright, burning one. He allowed me to feel his heart, his ache, his longing, the angst as he waited for me.
“You say I am first, but you are unable to structure your life to keep our appointment. I don’t feel first.”
Ugh. You are right. I need to say “no” more often. I need to go to bed earlier. I need to simplify. Help me.
“I want you prepared. I want you ready. I want you to have the ability to influence, field, handle and overcome all that is facing you. I do not want you caught unaware. Time with me will prepare you, equip you, enable you to handle life with grace and elegance. You get snippy without me.”
He was right. I do get snippy, and impatient. I need to apologize to my family.
I am being so transparent with my reprimand because I think God’s heart aches for you like it aches for me. I truly believe he waits for your arrival, he plans for it, makes space for it and when we don’t show his heart is hurt and he searches like a parent for a missing child.
God is good. He wants us prepared and ready for what is in front of us. He wants to teach, train and equip - and only time in his presence, intimate 1:1 time will do it. He wants to be first, foremost, the establishing foundation and supporting pillars in our life.
I am off to rearrange, reschedule, or remove some things from my calendar - how about you?